If you’re a parent, you’ve probably felt the stress of having your child hit someone else, like a sibling, peer, or family pet. Hitting is a normal and common part of development, especially during the early years. Often this is because kiddos don’t yet have the words needed to express themselves and the impulse control skills needed to stop themselves.
What follows are some general guidelines on how to respond when your child hits. This particular advice is most appropriate for those under the age of 5. Let’s use the scenario of a toddler hitting their sibling after that sibling took the toy they were playing with.
- First of all, remain calm and model gentle behaviour yourself. This means lowering your voice, keeping a neutral facial expression, and holding their hands if necessary.
- Tell your child what to do instead of what not to do. Why? Because saying “No hitting” doesn’t get to the root of the problem and some children will intentionally do what they are told not to do.
- Acknowledge their want, if you can identify it (e.g., saying, “You’re mad your brother took the toy you were playing with”).
- Model appropriate behaviour or offer a re-do. For younger kiddos, take their hand and place it on whoever or whatever they hit and say “gentle.” You might want to also suggest an alternative (e.g., “You can say, that’s my toy”).
- Avoid punishment (e.g., taking away toys) and instead allow natural consequences to occur (e.g., their sibling no longer wants to play with them).
- Pay attention and reinforce gentle behaviour when you see it (e.g., saying, “I love how gentle you’re being with your brother”).
At the end of the day, most hitting is simply a means of communication for your child and the most effective way to stop it is to understand why they are hitting in the first place (e.g., they want/don’t want something) and to offer alternative ways of communicating or getting their needs met.
